Honest Sharing FULL INSTRUCTIONS

an opensource, peer-to-peer trauma healing/ communication protocol

This is a full instruction manual of the "Honest Sharing" method. In the article before this one, you can find a shortened version, that you can send to anybody before doing their first session with them, if you already know the full instructions yourself. Please consult your doctor or psychiatrist, if practicing this method is appropriate for your situation.

The method was developed and open sourced by Gopal Norbert Klein. This is a translation and streamlined compilation of his body of work on the method.

Honest Sharing

Honest sharing is to share with other people in a protected environment, what you perceive within yourself in the here and now.

It could be compared to saying a mindfulness meditation out loud, but there are a few other elements that make it more human and more effective.

Framework

The basic framework of honest sharing are three open phrases that are used to describe perception after perception.

• My head thinks...

• I feel...

• I sense...

Three sentence beginnings for the three levels of human perception: Thoughts, feelings, and bodily sensations.

Thought examples: “My head thinks... that I hate processed food. my neighbor is kind. I need to go to bed earlier. of annoying paperwork I have to do.”

Feeling examples: “I feel...sadness, anger, helplessness, pride, anxiety, fear, jealousy, desperation, hate, resistance, insecurity, shame, guilt, shyness, self-compassion, understanding, relief, doubt, rage, impatience, joy, gratitude, confidence, etc.”

Sensation examples: “I sense...pressure in my stomach, nervousness, tingling, tension, constriction, relaxation, stiffness, nervous excitement, thirst, stinging, bubbliness, my heart beating fast”

What are the benefits of using these phrases?

Disidentification, because when you say "my head thinks" it is clear that you are not the thought or the part that is thinking that thought, but the one who is observing the thought.

"My head thinks" is also more disidentified than "I think". Because when we say "I think" (it's like this and that) we identify too quickly with our usual mode of opinion.

"My head thinks" also makes us more aware of the extent of our head heaviness. From this awareness, the need to go more and more into a mode of feeling grows all by itself.

Sharpness and clarity, because you separate the individual levels from each other and understand how does this perception really arise? And how do these layers interact with each other to create an overall picture that results in a pattern?

Protection from acting out happens, because the phrases make you stay with yourself. My head thinks, I feel, I sense.

Protection from digression comes from noticing that you haven't used the phrases for a moment.

—An important little addition is of course that the sentence beginnings do not have to be used in this order, but rather in the order in which the perceptions actually appear in you.—

The clear structure creates a safety framework, because you know what to expect in the process. This is important for healing and later for interactions of this kind in relationships.

The 4 golden rules

1. I stay with myself and in the now. Here are a few counter examples and examples:

"Why did she say that?" compared to: "I feel sadness. My head thinks I don't understand why she said that."

"My boss did XYZ again." compared to: "I feel angry that my boss did XYZ."

"My feet are cold again as they are every winter. Last year was particularly bad"compared to: "I sense coldness in my feet."

2. Everything is allowed to be shared, nothing is mandatory. You can either leave out perceptions entirely or just say “My head thinks that I don't want to say what I'm just perceiving.” Sharing that you don't want to share something has even more potential for growth, but both are of course allowed.

You can also abstract. For example, instead of saying “I feel a tension between me and person ABC”, you can say “I feel a tension.”

3. We only listen. The shared perceptions are not discussed or answered; even after the exercise, only if absolutely necessary and with permission "Is it ok if I ask a question about XYZ?"

At this point, I would like to emphasize once again why it is so important not to go into what has been shared. Emotional processing happens by being listened to. By feeling understood and valued.

The actual process of finding a solution is only possible after your triggered protective parts have calmed down. And they do that when they feel safe. The most important mechanism for this sense of security in us mammals is the awareness that we are in a secure relationship with the tribe.

Responding on a thought level is too rational and does not give our nervous system the emotional contact it needs. If advice is also given in response, it is not just a lack of contact, but an attack. Advice usually has a subtle critical undertone of "you made a mistake and now you will be punished". And that's associated with potentially being outcast.

4. All feelings and parts are allowed and welcome. And it's okay if a single part, a same pattern, keeps coming and taking up space. Then that's how it is. And it's okay if it's just thoughts. “my head thinks.. my head thinks.. my head thinks..”

Of course, it's still worthwhile to take a look at the other levels from time to time. Maybe I'm just stuck on one level right now because it is the only level I'm checking in on.

Try to adopt a basic attitude of compassion, understanding and curiosity - including to yourself. Curiosity not in the (annoyed) sense of "mhh where does that come from now again?"but more like how you admire the wonders of nature, “wow what an impressive phenomenon this volcanic eruption or this wave.”

And of course it's ok if you dont get into this mode right away, it will happen by itself over time. It is enough to keep the intention in the back of your mind.

A few more rules:

It's all about what you perceive inside, i.e. you don't share external noises or visual impressions etc. Only if you have internal reactions to the external perceptions, such as: “I feel relaxation and joy in response to my cat's purring.”

Keep it short so that you don't wander off in your mind and also learn to communicate even more clearly and precisely. You can see examples of this at the end of the article in a transcryption of a demonstration.

Your eyes can be open or closed. Looking your practice partner in the eyes is a bit more challenging, but also has more potential for growth. Also, it is a valuable resource to see that you are being heard and seen. I often do it in a way that to feel inside I close my eyes and open them up again to share.

This is also one of the examples of how this method integrates human interactions/ dynamics more into the healing process, specifically compared to a mindfulness meditation that you would otherwise do alone.

Images: The developer of the original honest sharing version says internal images should not be shared at all. I agree that images are an easy way to get distracted from the here and now. And I think it makes sense to share them as little as possible.

But inner images are also a form of thought. And there are exceptions, in my experience, where it's helpful to experiment with sharing them. Just go into as little detail as possible, be brief and go straight back to the other perceptions.

E.g. "My head thinks a picture of an old friend. I feel sadness. My head thinks I miss him. My head thinks, why am I seeing his old profile picture in my mind over and over for weeks?"

Process

So, let's get to the exact process:

• Silence, sharing person A, silence, sharing person B, silence, done.

• approx. 5-10min for sharing per person

• you can vary the length of the silence. from a few breaths, up to 5 min.

The nicest and most effective is face-to-face, but a video call or even without video can also work great. It is best to sit opposite each other in a room where you can stay focused.

I recommend watching the time with a pleasant timer ringtone. When the timer has rung, you can still take 2-3 minutes to round it off: "What is still needing to be perceived and shared right now?"

I usually set the timer for 7 minutes and then round it off by 2-3 minutes, so all in all it just takes you 20 minutes.

Once per day is a solid foundation for growth. The best days for me are usually those when I do 2-3 sessions.

The tasks of the non-sharing human are:

• to listen,

• if possible look at the one who is sharing, while also sensing inside yourself,

• and to pay attention to the application of the structure and to point them out if necessary:

In case of rambling, you can kindly remind, "What do you perceive in yourself right now?" Or: "Please be a little more to the point."

If a phrase has been forgotten to use or mixed up several times, you can name the appropriate phrase with a whisper/calm tone of voice: "I feel..." "My head thinks." etc.

Before you correct, it is valuable to wait a moment to see if the one who is sharing can catch herself.

Bonus: Breathwork

You can also do a round of Wim Hof style holotropic breathing before honest sharing. This is not mandatory, but it often leads to even greater clarity/ disidentification and the process becomes even more effective.

Success Indicators

How do you know you're doing it right?

• calming of your thought spirals and feelings

• deeper breathing, frequent yawning or other physical relaxation responses

• sometimes you can also observe a widening of your field of vision, sort of like getting sober and lucid from drunk tunnel vision, or as if you were waking up

• an increased feeling of connection to yourself and fellow human beings.

  In other words you are less head centered and more in touch with your feelings.

Alone vs Mammalian Nature

In some situations and phases of life it can also be appropriate to practice honest sharing all alone. It is best spoken out loud, so that one has the voice as a mirror and does not get lost in thoughts.

I personally sometimes like to walk back and forth in the room. Practicing alone works, but of course additional nervous systems give more space, more security and more compassion.

Emotional development is just more natural in company with other humans.

Yin and Yang

Listening is just as effective as sharing. There are the same relaxation responses and sharpenings of perception, and both simply belong together like yin and yang.

Sharing is listening to yourself and listening to others is also listening to yourself: Because we humans actually all have the same kinds of inner parts.

Of course in different forms and emphasis, which then make up our character, but deep down, we are all made up of the same human qualities.

In addition, it is often easier to first go into compassion for others, and then transfer the attitude to yourself afterwards.

Mechanisms

It is not mandatory, but it can also be helpful to understand the mechanisms behind the effects of honest sharing: Why does honest sharing work?

Very roughly explained with a metaphor: If in an emotion is activated in the nervous system, it is comparable to a child looking for your attention.

And what children need in such moments is not rational analysis "Child has problem a, solution is b, execution initiated", but first of all just honest interest and compassion.

In other words, what they need is to be able to speak up and be heard. Then they calm down by themselves.

And with honest sharing you do exactly that: On the one hand you get the attention of another person, without comment, pure listening. And on the other hand, what is even more important: you listen to yourself.

In most cases an emotional pattern consist of more than one emotion. The psyche is a network of multitudes of parts. Depending on the situation they trigger each other in various combinations and relationships.

Practicing honest sharing is like walking up to a group of children who are screaming all over the place, and listening to each one after another. This calms down one by one.

Now the emotional needs are met to a degree, a first sense of security sets in. Capacities are freed up to look at the problem and solution much more rationally - and to get into action.

Often you find out: the solution is easier than expected or there wasn't really a problem in the first place.

So roughly summarized: Perceiving is listening, and listening is being a friend to yourself, who knows what's going on inside and what you need.

And from that, grows the ability to set boundaries and meet your needs. In this way you learn to give yourself more and more of the intrinsic feeling of security.

This is what most people want when they say they would like to be more confident.

5 common beginner mistakes

(in no specific order)

1. To think, just because "nothing is there", that it doesn't work. Nothing is also a perception.

"I feel nothing. I feel empty. My head thinks there's nothing coming here. My head thinks there are intangible thoughts. My head thinks I feel like I'm blacking out. I feel off track. My head thinks how much longer do I have to go. I feel impatience."

All these meta thoughts are also thoughts that you can perceive and share.

Sometimes there is also a blockage because you don't feel safe enough. "My head thinks I'm too vulnerable to share the emotion I'm feeling right now. I feel uneasyness. I feel tension."

Just brainstorm. "My head thinks, how do I get into the flow? My head thinks this doesn't work. My head thinks what a pity. I feel resistance. My head thinks I'm not in the mood. I feel frustrated."

A couple of such sharings and it's flowing again.

2. To use honest sharing as a way to enforce harmony and connectedness.

This too can be noticed and expressed: For example you can start with abstractions: "I feel insecure. My head thinks I need harmony right now. My head thinks I cannot share uncomfortable emotions without being abandoned."

3. To practice with a closed minded or unsafe person. You can test whether a person is open enough: Does she react noticeably interested when keywords are heard? such as: Sharing Feelings, Emotional Intelligence, Communication Exercise, etc.

4. Starting too early with sharing perceptions that relate directly to the exercise partner before both feel ready. e.g. "My head thinks you are angry at me."

So please practice without reference first and check in together from time to time to make sure you are both ready.

5. When you push yourself to confront strong triggers. You can do that to some extent, but you should already be in a skillfully self-regulated state. This is only for advanced practitioners.

Honest Sharing Group Process

You can do honest sharing with more than two people per session. But, in group processes, there are a few more important nuances to keep in mind to prevent conflict and fighting. This happens faster than you'd expect.

I therefore recommend practicing in pairs until you are truly stable. When you feel ready, you are welcome to contact me and I will give you the instructions for leading group processes.

Family and Partners

It is also important that you only practice with friends or others who are already interested in Honest Sharing.

If you practice with your partner, parents or other family members, the risk of becoming destabilized or re-traumatized is too big.

These are simply the relationships where you are most vulnerable because that is where your conditioning is coming from and is reflected upon you the most.

This has great potential for growth, but is only recommended for stable nervous systems.

Security and Conflicts

Because you make yourself vulnerable to a certain extent: you should only practice with trustworthy people.

This type of communication can also be helpful in conflict situations,but it should only be done if one has successfully practiced on enough smaller conflicts.

Practice Partner Mediation

If you cannot find a suitable practice partner in your network, just send me a message that you are looking for someone. I will connect you with others who are also searching.

Learning Process

How long it takes you to grasp honest sharing at the experiential level varies: Depending on your level of conditioning and how experienced you are with other Feeling Focused methods.

The most important part of this instruction is to consciously listen to the example recording. You can try to grasp the essence of the method intuitively.

Link: 2min Demo Audio (@Bitcoin Rapid-Fire Podcast)

Alright, that's all for the instruction. If you have any questions, feel free to contact me on twitter.com/bennibtc.